so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
