you have to choose: penises or morals?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
