so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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