My first STD was from a foam party
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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