Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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