3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
