I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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