so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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