Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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