My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
