were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
