I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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