if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
