i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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