if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
