dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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