"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
