Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't put those talents on a resume
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
