you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
