How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ketchup is God's man juice
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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