You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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