proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
