u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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