Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
