If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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