this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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