After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
