I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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