She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
