Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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