Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
