Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
