If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
