What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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