No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
