Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
