Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
