You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
