Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
