We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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