Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
