You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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