Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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