I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
