Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
