some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
