I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
