Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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