gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
