ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
