I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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