I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.