he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.