I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
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OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
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No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016