Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
