we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
