her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
