It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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