how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
