I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
