Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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