Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
