saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
